Meets the Eye

[Even on the small screen, I still liked Transformers the second time, still worth the price of admission twice, for Megan Fox under the racing-striped hood and for the other two hours.]

Ah to be home again, in Michael Bay’s America, where top presidential aids read USA Today on Air Force One while seated above boom boxes that morph into humorous, yet deadly, robots.

If shit goes wrong I can just roll in Strike Package Bravo who will “make it rain” (in a non-strip club setting).

If a guy points a gun at me and says “I’m gonna count to five,” I whip out my better looking weapon and say, “I’m gonna count to three!”

If all else fails, I will send an Anaconda-spry Jon Voight on a steady jog to fetch me a shotgun.

The thing is, this movie holds together better than Armageddon or Pearl Harbor. It features God Loves the Beef (Shia LaBeouf) performing competently as an actor (a competent God Loves the Beef equals an overwhelmingly fabulous Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood). Also enjoyable is the kid from Elephant briefly playing an androgynous tree-climber. And I like Megan Fox’s torso enough that I’m willing to forgive her for having this guy’s named tattooed on her body:


And I now like Michael Bay enough that I’m willing to forgive him for making Megan wear the same outfit (with three layers!) the entire second and third acts…like really, she couldn’t have been inexorably sucked into the Deceptacon death games in this outfit?


But really, Michael is now directing post-Bay films—we must giggle at the fatso with the handheld video camera running around yelling, “this is like a hundred times better than Armageddon!” Which is 100% accurate. Later a child mimics the audience reaction to battling transformers crashing through freeway off ramps: “Cool!” The imagery here is clearer than the evening news and more realistic.

The f/x in Transformers are so good I saw what might have been acne scars on Megan Fox’s face. But she pulls it together, her ponytail has a little more perk and she tows broken Bumblebee with the command, “I’ll drive, you shoot.” Hell, I too would risk my life for him, his incredibly evocative robot blue eyes.

(Sadly there is no "sad Bumblebee" image widely available on the interweb.)

Any robot that can transform into a Chevy Camaro with ironic taste in music warms Midwestern heart. Though evil Megatron is surprisingly sexy, calling God Loves the Beef “fleshling” and saying, in his low metallic purr, “give me the All Spark and you can live to be my pet.” God Loves the Beef certainly could have used some more Mega-pointers in his largely thwarted quest to acquire Fox’s “All Spark,” ifyouknowwhatimean.

Finally, I approve of Transformers because in the end Megan Fox is wearing the only appropriate attire: WHITE TANK TOP.

(Please note: WHITE TANK TOP did not create the image above. Despite my admiration for its subtle humor, misspellings are unacceptable.)